Hope.

Hope is a hard thing. After losing Isaac in 2019 I was pregnant again in Dec of 2019. I was 6 weeks along and started bleeding. Not again I thought. A few more weeks went by and the bleeding would come and go and one day it got really bad. I was 9 weeks. I called charlie and he raced home and off to the ER we went.  This was the same week we lost Issac. I kept having flashbacks as we drove to the hospital praying for my baby.  As they wheeled the ultrasound machine into the room, my heart was pounding. No heartbeat. Again. Another baby gone into Jesus's heavenly arms. The following week was a blur because of the miscarriage, and I also found out my Grandma (who raised me) got diagnosed with cancer. I live 2000 miles away and there was nothing I could do. Life was spiraling faster than I could keep up and fear then turned into paranoia. I kept thinking "Whats next?" and are one of my other kids going to die? I would check on their breathing at night worried that somehow they would just stop. No heartbeat. I had to come to a point where I needed to just trust God. And boy does that take work. Having to constantly remind myself in the night to stay in bed because- "Doesn't God love my kids more than I do?" Of course He does. But It felt like life was out of control. And that's when I realized what a false sense of control I had in the first place. When you feel like everything is going right, you tend to get this false sense of security. God is still the same God He was before the miscarriage and He will be the same God after it.

 I thought since I had been through a miscarriage before that I would know what to expect and it some ways I did. But the loss of this baby really did me in. I knew God was good which I honestly questioned before, but it didn't hurt any less. I would walk into the mall and see baby clothes and feel my eyes stinging with tears. So I had to avoid going near those sections for awhile- Let me tell you this; It is not weakness to avoid somethings for awhile until you heal. That is normal and that is ok. You are not always stronger for facing it. That is pride. Somethings God will surely have you hit things head-on, and I believe He will let you know what those things are, but sometimes things just hurt and God gives you time to heal.

 Sometimes you feel like you're in a dark tunnel and you cant see the light at the end. Satan loves to come in at that point and tell you lies; You are always going to feel like this, it will never get any easier. That is not true.We need to hope even when we don't see it. God IS in control, even when it doesn't feel like it. He cares and loves you so deeply. If the bible tells us to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice, you should know that Jesus is doing that with you. In the story of Lazarus the bible says this- 

 "Jesus had stayed outside the village, at the place where Martha met him. 31 When the people who were at the house consoling Mary saw her leave so hastily, they assumed she was going to Lazarus’s grave to weep. So they followed her there. 32 When Mary arrived and saw Jesus, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

33 When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him,[f] and he was deeply troubled. 34 “Where have you put him?” he asked them.

They told him, “Lord, come and see.” 35 Then Jesus wept. 36 The people who were standing nearby said, “See how much he loved him!” 37 But some said, “This man healed a blind man. Couldn’t he have kept Lazarus from dying?”

38 Jesus was still angry as he arrived at the tomb, a cave with a stone rolled across its entrance" 

Why did Jesus weep? He was weeping because of the hurt death was causing. It was never supposed to be this way. Jesus was angry that death caused this, and he was also very compassionate. He wept seeing Mary and Martha weeping. Don't you think Hes weeping with you in your pain? He is so near. Hope in Him, and cling to Him. Does this mean you wont ever cry when you see baby clothes? No. Does this mean that it wont ever bother you? No. But what it does mean is that God is with you during it. I'm so blessed by the four amazing kids I have here on earth, but it still feels like kids are missing--because they are. I know they are in heaven and I will see them again and what a wonderful reunion that will be, but it still hurts. I'm trying to remind myself that God is holding my hand and telling me that it isn't always going to be like this and to have hope. So thats where I'm at today. I have hope in Jesus and hopefully sharing my story will help someone else.

Because he lives 
I can face tomorrow 
Because he lives 
All fear is gone 
Because I know he holds the future 
My life is worth the living just because he lives

And then one day 
I'll cross the river 
I'll fight life's final war with pain 
And then as death 
Gives way to victory 
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know he lives

January

November and December

Sept

Finishing weak

A few days ago I read this and thought it waa really good! I thought id share it on here.

My sisters, wherever you are on life’s timeline, begin now to pray for grace to finish strong. The older I get, the more I understand that finishing strong means “finishing weak.” Jesus said in 2 Corinthians 12:9 and 10: “My power is made perfect in weakness.” May our response be that of Paul: “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me . . . when I am weak, then I am strong.”

This verse is very real, very precious, very personal to me. I always knew it at some level, but a few years ago I had a sudden and severe attack of vertigo that was eventually diagnosed as being the result of a virus in my inner ear. It left me with very little balance.

So my body has had to learn to compensate for me to stand upright. It also left me deaf in one ear; my eyes sort of dance around and don’t always focus well. But what I have learned through this is the power of God in my weakness!

For me to stand here with lights glaring in my eyes, to not topple over and to put two or three sentences together is a testimony to the power of God! And so I boast in my weakness.

But the truth is, that was always the case, not just when I had that episode of vertigo. The sooner we acknowledge our utter dependence upon Him, the sooner we know the power of His strength upon us. So don’t fight against your weakness, and don’t deny your weakness. Let it bring a child-like dependence upon our strong Savior!

Even if I outlive my love for Jesus, I will never outlive His love for me! He tells us in Isaiah 46:

Listen to me you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you, and I will carry you. I will sustain you, and I will rescue you (see vv. 3–4).

So how does it feel to be an old lady? It feels like a tired, very dependent, very happy little girl being carried in the arms of her Father. And she’s calling to her friends, “Look how good and strong my Daddy is!” And she knows that when she falls asleep in His arms, she’ll wake up at home.

This last part though!!

Chickens!!